Role-playing attitudes that make us miserable

Our life is subject to strict rules and regulations. We live in a world of social and personal prohibitions and permissions that shape our behavior..

Psychotherapist Zoya Bogdanova tells about scenarios that prevent a person from being happy.

Day in and day out, we are confronted with attitudes that determine how we live, what to do and what to dream about. Every woman is familiar with the classic scenario “You must get married and have children”, and for a man – “You must provide for your family, buy an apartment and a car”.

All these rules come to us from those who themselves strictly follow them and sincerely believe that such a life is the only correct one. This is the main problem of attitudes – a person receives them from authoritative personalities (parents, teachers, mentors). The correctness of such people is beyond doubt. As a result, we become less flexible, because we get used to acting in a certain way and do not even look for alternative ways. As a result, the discrepancy between expectations and what is happening in reality causes a feeling of excruciating discomfort and internal imbalance..

There are local scenarios that develop mainly under the influence of the consumer society. Advertising and the opinion of society teach us: to feel comfortable, you need to buy as much as possible. And those who buy little do not fit the scenario of a successful, “fashionable” person. The problem is that under external influence, internal self-esteem is formed: as soon as we stop fitting into the ideal scenario, we feel unhappy.

There are also global scenarios when a person gets the impression that he is not living his own life. But when trying to do what he wants, such a person is faced with criticism and misunderstanding, because people are comfortable adjusting everyone around them “for themselves”.

How to recognize and resist scenarios?

In psychology, there is the concept of “assertiveness” – independence from external opinions and assessments, the ability to build a life based on one’s own beliefs. It allows you to soberly realize everything that is happening and stop automatically performing actions that subconsciously cause pain. To develop assertiveness in yourself, you need to stop comparing yourself with others and learn to focus only on your own internal standard. This is very important, since only an assertive person is free from evaluations and knows how to truly enjoy life..

How you can achieve assertiveness?

Assertiveness Is a state of balance between respecting others and one’s own borders. To achieve it, you need to abandon both the aggressive defense of your interests and passive humility in front of the opinions of others. Here are some simple tips to help you practice:

– learn not to be good

It is impossible to please everyone. But since childhood, we have an attitude – people love only those who help them, share and agree with them. Realize that it will not work for everyone and always be good, set your own priorities and learn to refuse without guilt if the request is contrary to your goals and desires..

– leave yourself room for maneuver

Don’t be in a hurry to agree or refuse if someone asks you. Take a break and consider the situation. What is it about her that upsets you or makes you nervous? What causes discomfort? Having sorted out your own reaction, you can decide what you want to do in reality, and give a reasoned answer..

Defeating scripts is not easy, because they have guided you all your life. Do not stop, move towards the goal in small steps, and gradually you will learn to defend your own boundaries and find a balance between social norms and personal priorities..

Anna Tok is a columnist and editor of the “He and She” section on

It’s normal for a woman to want to get married. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with this installation and cannot be. We all live in a society where it is customary. Yes, “unconditional love”, like that of Osho and Buddhists, exists, but, alas, there are very few enlightened ones. We are not yet at that stage of development to live in love and harmony, without unnecessary problems and stamps in our passport. But now we are already slowly learning to love and hear ourselves. We are moving further and further away from the harsh Soviet directives: “Do what you must!” – and increasingly we ask ourselves the question: “What do I really want?” Isn’t that great? And yes, let happiness and harmony lie in banal self-love, which is the time to learn. Then no false scenarios and installations will care.