20 secrets of a happy marriage from Japanese sages

The land of sakura, Fujiyama and the ideal car industry shares with us its philosophy of life, so that we begin to understand a little more about the relationship of the Japanese in family and marriage. And maybe we learned something from them.

“A husband and wife should be like a hand and eyes: when the hand hurts, the eyes cry, and when the eyes cry, their hands wipe away their tears” (Japanese wisdom).

In Japan, at a Shinto wedding, newlyweds are taught to be one from the very first minutes. First, there is a ceremony where they ask the gods to give the young a long life and a lot of happiness, then the bride and groom several times drink the sacred rice wine from one glass. Not without the influence of the West – the exchange of rings, which is accompanied by the accompaniment of an old Japanese harp. If the wedding is celebrated in a Christian way, then the newlyweds pronounce their marriage vows in front of the altar. Like us, there is one of the rituals where a married couple cuts a pie, the guests respond with loud applause and wishes for a long, happy life. At the same time, in their speeches, they should not utter the words “cut”, “divide”, “return”. Only words for happiness and unity should be spoken.

“A husband is a husband, and there can be no talk of either love or hate.” (Yuriko Miyamoto, writer, 1899-1951).

Despite the turbulent influence of the West, patriarchy still exists in the Land of the Rising Sun. The husband and his interests are always in the first place, it is he who makes the most important decisions, and there can be no question of any equality. A respectable oriental woman should be invisible as a shadow. In past centuries, she had to crawl on her knees and step back when she left the room where the men are. The reward for this behavior was respect for family and guarantees against humiliation, a sense of the impeccability of their reputation, and the perfect partnership and harmony between yin and yang. Now, of course, no one crawls on their knees, but the dominance of a man in the house is unconditionally recognized. He earns, she brings up children. Isn’t that what half of Russian women dream about??

“Under no circumstances should you tell people from other clans about the atrocities that happened in your clan. The proverb says: “Good news always stays at home, and bad news travels a thousand miles.” (Takeda Nobushige, samurai, 1525−61).

“Don’t wash dirty linen in public,” our ancestors said, and this is in tune with the family values ​​of the Far-Far East. You should not disclose the quarrels and squabbles that occur between loved ones. It is not necessary to devote strangers to intra-family troubles and problems. It is preferable to resolve family conflicts without unnecessary witnesses, strangers do not need to know all the details of what is happening in your home. By the way, divorce is also showing off your dysfunctional personal life. And the public opinion of the Japanese is still negative towards divorced women, the administrations of enterprises look at them with prejudice..

“One kind word can warm three winter months” (Japanese proverb).

The Japanese know how to beautifully express correct and understandable thoughts. We know that “a kind word is pleasant for a cat”: a beautiful compliment will cheer you up, a warm speech will warm your soul. But the Japanese have more and more difficulties not only in business etiquette, but also among lovers. Relations between people are surrounded by numerous conventions and traditional prescriptions. Among them, bows, greetings and compliments occupy a special place. The emphasized politeness of Japanese sellers, cashiers, transport employees, banks is striking. The interlocutor and the client are elevated here – all this is a tribute to education and obligatory etiquette. But in the family, a respectful “Western” attitude towards women is not very welcome..

It is customary for a man to address his wife using the pronoun “you”, which is accepted in relation to the subordinate. The wife at this time uses a polite “you”. The role of women, even on television, almost always comes down to assent to men, and married women are avoided by name, referring to them as the wife of this or that person: “Mr. Hashimoto’s wife.” And yet, let’s take note of one of the most important rules of Japanese speech etiquette – the desire in no way to spoil the mood of the interlocutor. Even for the most unpleasant message, use such speech means so as not to put the interlocutor in an awkward position.

“Shame in a man’s chest is like water in a standing vessel. If the vessel is overturned, the water will pour out. Repentance spills out in the same way. If a person corrects his mistakes, their traces will soon disappear. ”(Yamamoto Tsunetomo, samurai, 1659−1719).

Japanese philosophers, monks and samurai argue that the mistake must first be understood, imbued with its meaning, tolerated, and then corrected. Wrong steps in life must not be justified and closed eyes, it is impossible to expose delusions in a noble light. A sense of conscience and honor should also live in the family, and an apology should be asked for a mistake.

A grumpy wife is a convenient nest for the gods of poverty “(Japanese wisdom).

The historically formed family patriarchy does not interfere with the understanding that the entire internal order depends on the atmosphere in the house created by the wife. For a woman’s speech, softness of pronunciation, restraint, calm tone of the story should be characteristic. Even in the area of ​​grammar and vocabulary in Japanese, female speech is different from male. And the wife has no right to make scandals because of treason. The point is that jealousy is considered a huge shameful flaw here. Even now, some brides wear an unusual headdress, which resembles a large white hood, during weddings. The Japanese say that this dress hides the horns or horns that grow in a young wife if she becomes jealous of her betrothed.

“A bad wife means a hundred-year crop failure. If a wife is helpless in household chores, then it is pain and suffering for a lifetime “(Japanese wisdom).

“Ah, we are not dishwashers,” the European mademoiselle will exclaim, forgetting that men are not soulless ATM machines either. The family is, first of all, an agreed balance in the actions of the wife and husband. It must be said here that modern Japanese women of the older generation, although they look submissive and obedient, for the most part have a strong character and will. With their thriftiness, diplomacy and persistence they seek from spouses much more than feminists from Europe. By the way, the Japanese women decide economic issues themselves, the money is given to them by a man. The symbol of the position of the hostess has long been considered samoji – a wooden spatula, with which she spreads rice to households. There is a whole ceremony when a mother-in-law hands over samoji to her daughter-in-law..

Learn to live Japanese (folk sayings):

– If you want to know the bride – take a closer look at her mother.

– The fabric is judged by the width, the husband – by the wife.

– When the husband is sick, the family decays; when a wife is sick, love weakens.

– In raising children, the mother owns seven shares, and the father only three.

– First get good, and then get married.

– Wife is like a frying pan: the older the better.

– Wife, that you fell in love as a poor man, do not leave.

– Do not drive your wife who ate bran with you from the house.

– Education is more important than origin.

– Loving, know the vices. Hating, know and good.

– A man from time immemorial appreciates work more than love.

– No matter how husband and wife quarrel during the day, the night will reconcile them.

– The effect of cold sake and parental opinion comes later.