Talk openly about your desires, feel calm, live in harmony with your body … This is not so easy to achieve, but it is possible at any age. How exactly? With a positive sense of self and inner freedom.
It is difficult for a self-confident person to understand someone who does not trust himself, fears intimacy and is convinced that only those who have a perfect body can receive and give pleasure … but very many of us feel that way. “Whether we dare to meet someone else, whether we decide to enter into intimate contact with him, it largely depends on our self-confidence,” explains gynecologist Elena Yegorova. “But in order for this meeting to truly enter our lives, each of the partners must trust himself enough in the sexual sphere – trust his body, his ability to give and receive pleasure.” It is not necessary to have a perfect body in order to love yourself and be free, but dislike for it creates an internal conflict that over time blocks the fragile mechanism of desire and pleasure.
Women are especially vulnerable. “To feel sexually confident, a woman needs to feel wanted and be loved,” says family therapist Inna Khamitova. “If this does not happen, she begins to look at herself too critically and even ruthlessly, constantly compares herself with the standard of beauty accepted in society – more often not in her favor”.
For men, it is somewhat easier: they are more often focused not on the impression they make on their partner (s), but on the size of their genitals, erection and the ability to prolong intercourse. “One of my friends once said to me:“ You are a super lover, because you are not a standard, ”says 34-year-old Igor. – I was very confused by the second part of this phrase. I thought that I didn’t know something about myself, I started doing funny things: I searched the Internet for information about the size of the penis, compared these numbers with my parameters, and even almost went to the urologist! Now I try to remember only the first part of the phrase, but I experience much more (than before) during each love date. ” “In order to feel confident, it is sometimes enough for a man to be tuned in to the physiology of the process,” comments sexologist Boris Yegorov, “but this can be hindered by unconscious or conscious experiences, among which the need to feel superior, unwillingness to become dependent on a woman or demonstrate weakness. These experiences lead to insecurity, and in order not to show it, a man may even refuse sex. “.
Don’t dramatize your sexuality
To be in harmony with your body, to learn to love it for those (special) sensations that it delivers – this path was chosen by 36-year-old Victoria. “I was really sure that only a very sexy woman can become an unforgettable mistress, but I am not given that,” she says. – But two years ago I went to a fitness club and started exercising – just to get to know my body better. I really felt that it lives, breathes, vibrates. Soon I met a man who, for the first time in my life, told me that he had never met such a sensual woman who felt so harmoniously in her body. What a wonderful revenge for years of inhibitions and timidity! “
But in order to achieve sexual self-confidence, it is not enough to feel your body – you also need to know that the best companions on this path will be imagination, curiosity, etc. frivolity. “Too often we forget that sexuality is invented together, without a pre-established program. This is a common creativity that is born from play, experiments, emotions, – reminds Inna Khamitova. “At the same time, the more impression we try to make on our partner, the less we listen to our desires and the less we give ourselves to another”.
Exercise to Live Better in Your Body
A comfortable body is our most reliable ally. The more pleasant sensations we give him, the more we care about him, the more generously it returns us pleasure..
Gynecologist Elena Egorova offers several exercises to strengthen this exchange.
- Massage yourself. Give yourself a massage every day. Close your eyes, breathe deeply, and let your hands find the right rhythm. You can do this exercise in front of a mirror: follow your eyes with your eyes and concentrate on your feelings..goal: recognize and soften tensions and become more active in search of the most comfortable state for your body.
- Ask for a massage. Talk to your partner or massage therapist and try to make the massage sessions fit into your daily routine and become familiar to you..goal: learn to undress without hesitation, to give in to pleasant sensations that are not directly related to sex, to take time for yourself and take care of yourself.
- Show your body. Choose colors that suit you, a cut that doesn’t hide your shapes.goal: to make the body erotic, so that it comes alive in your eyes and in the eyes of other people. The less the body is visible, the less desirable it is: it is not its perfection that attracts, but its presence, conscious and appreciated.
- Move. Running, walking, cycling, swimming – it doesn’t matter. It’s not about playing sports for a specific purpose, but about the awareness of the pleasure that movement can bring.goal: to feel the happiness of being able to live, to be of flesh and blood. Not to mention endorphins, hormones of pleasure and joy that fill us up after exercise..
- Return to your feelings. When, during a sexual encounter, the mind takes over you again, concentrate on your sensations, on what is happening in the body at the moment.. goal: get used to thinking with your body, not just your head.
- Dare to ask. Talk about things that will make you happy and listen to your partner’s wishes. When both know each other’s needs well, they feel trust and become more relaxed.. goal: Stop worrying by asking yourself the question: “Will I feel pleasure and give it to my partner?”
- Learn to say no. Refuse caresses, positions that you do not like. By agreeing for fear of upsetting your partner, you suppress your own desire and harm your self-esteem..goal: learn to say no to fully enjoy yes.
Be ready to be surprised
“Constant thoughts about one’s sexual abilities, a desire to demonstrate oneself often speak of an inability to relax,” says Boris Yegorov. “If during sexual intercourse you do not attach much importance to what you are doing and allow the body to play and have fun, confidence will come sooner.” Allowing our emotions and fantasies to prevail over reflections and “vigilance”, we cease to meticulously observe ourselves, cease to control ourselves, thus becoming freer, more confident, forgetting about anxiety.
33-year-old Valery admits: “I was worried more than once that I would be considered a bad lover, and therefore I was always in a hurry to give maximum pleasure to my partner. But with Natasha everything turned out to be different. She is very fond of massage, kisses, caresses and at the same time does not like to rush. Slowing down the rhythm, I gradually got rid of my anxiety, discovered for myself that the whole body can be erogenous and sexual intercourse itself is not all! I learned a lot about what turns me on and what gives me pleasure. Now I can say that I have changed a lot sexually. I’m not afraid of grades anymore “.
This fear of being appreciated by the other person often suppresses the urge to desire (especially during the first meeting). How will we show ourselves? Will the partner be jarred by too open a manifestation of desire? Would he consider my restraint as coldness, my fantasies as perversion? Behind all these disturbing thoughts is one question: can I trust my partner? He worries us so much because we know very well that sometimes one word or look of another person is enough to feel misunderstood and underestimated..
The more pleasant moments our body remembers, the higher our confidence..
“A good partner is someone who doesn’t make us take risks,” says Inna Khamitova. – He surrenders to his desire and the desire of his partner or partner. He does not have a well thought-out plan – he leaves enough space for general creativity. And with such a person, nothing seems funny, inappropriate or monotonous. ” “The one who treats his partner attentively,” adds Boris Yegorov, “is able to help another become sexually confident.”.
The people with whom we come into intimacy behave differently and affect us in different ways, but the very fact that we have a partner can increase our self-confidence. “A timid person begins to relate to himself better when he has a partner,” says family therapist Alexander Chernikov. “He appreciates and respects himself more, and then comes confidence.”.
“Experience is also very important,” says Elena Egorova. “A person is in search, changes partners, studies the features of sexual behavior of different people, improves … and gradually gains confidence in sex.” However, Inna Khamitova warns: “Sexual experience as such (a series of changing partners) can lead to the feeling:” They are all the same! ” For sexual confidence, it is not the quantity that is important, but the experience of relationships, the ability to accept another person and oneself “.
This is how prohibitions gradually melt away, and imagination and curiosity prevail over fear and routine. 37-year-old Ksenia considered herself “too prudent in sex” until she met 30-year-old Maxim: “With him I felt solid ground under my feet. He was at the same time very attentive to me and very resourceful. It was then that I felt like a really woman and really sexy. This relationship has changed me “.
Enlighten your body
This creativity together is born from emotion, play, experimentation and imagination..
Our body remembers everything that happens to us – good and bad. “The memory of the body really exists,” says Elena Egorova. “The more pleasant sensations our body remembers, the higher our sexual confidence: by gaining information, the body independently begins to recognize what suits it, what is good and organic for it”.
Trusting your body, your desire, your imagination is what learning sexual confidence is all about. Day after day.